In the middle of writing the Lord Franklin series I could tell it was really consuming me. It had adventure, mystery, intrigue, survival, defeat, loss and death. Not that I was dwelling on all of those elements personally. Instead I was trying to navigate between the historical narrative, the songs I wanted to include in the piece as well as the photographs I wanted to use that best related to the frozen north. For the first time in a long time, I was really obsessed with something. Though everyday life and work intervened, it was a story I needed to complete.
When that type of obsession happens I find seemingly minor details can pop into your head at any time. It happens when you are passionate about the subject matter I suppose. Insert this paragraph here, quote a passage from this book there, that sort of thing. Not being under professional deadlines it can be exhilarating and exciting when you see a vision for a piece coming together. Sometimes you even dream about that vision as it turns out.
About halfway through the writing of the series I woke up at 2 A.M. on a weeknight with a thought. Just a sudden realization that came to me in that fuzzy world between deep sleep and awareness. For the past few months I have been leaving my notebook (a marvelous little one I picked up with the softest paper imaginable, eco-friendly and fair trade made from leaves of the Lokta plant in Nepal for the record!) on my little bookshelf/nightstand. When I came to that awareness of an idea, turned on the light and grabbed my pen these are the words I wrote which are only slightly edited for clarity. It was 2 A.M. after all! I am sharing them because in perusing the notebook the other day I realized that it really says a lot about me and ‘where I am’.
‘When I read I want to ‘see’ what I am reading about. When I ‘see’ I want to ‘hear’ the sounds of what I am seeing. When I am ‘hearing’ what I am ‘seeing’ I want to understand why that is so important to me. I yearn to express myself in this way. To make these connections between a long ago sunken ship together with a contemporary song and a photograph of my own that ties the two elements together. It is my way of combining the things I am passionate about. The things I have always been passionate about if I really think about it.’
When I re-read it the next morning it actually did not come across as profound and brilliant to my mind as it was when I wrote it. But on further reflection, it is inherently and uniquely me, especially the last two sentences. That is a very important realization in my life right now. As I related in the series, I have been seeing a therapist and my head is a bit of a jumble at present. Backwards and forwards in time reliving memories. But these recollections also jog my memory further and make me think how this-all of this idea I have laid my claim to and set my flag on have always been there for me.
I realized it is absolutely the way I engage subjects I am passionate about. It has always been important for me to visualize a story, be it a song or a book. So I need to see the Arctic, an English country lane, a pagoda in China, a baobab tree in Africa, a ship on the high seas or a steam train chugging its way through the Canadian Rockies in my mind. I think the photography came about because I needed to catalog my favorite elements to the stories for myself.
It also explains why music is so deeply embedded in me. Why I feel music so much. Sometimes it can go beyond actual music and be sounds such as birdsong, wind rustling through the grass, or waves crashing on shore. Digging deeper through my life and what that 2 in the morning thought was about I realized it was the idea that sound itself is an even deeper connection for me than I ever realized.
Combined together, the ‘seeing’ and ‘hearing’ explains a great deal. It is my visualization, my way of understanding, my prism. A way of interpreting my passions easily. If I expand the idea it is precisely why from the start I tended to take photos of favorite things-bridges, ships, trees, etc. They were always my fascination from an early age. So it is years later that when I am reading a book I need to make the same sort of connection. To tie all the elements together if only just for my personal benefit.
In therapy I am connecting the dots of my life up to now. Seemingly innocuous and never forgotten memories from childhood have significance because they correspond to my life right now somehow. When I started writing this blog I can see now that like with the connections I am making in therapy, the dots between the present and past definitely become connected eventually. These ideas I bring out have always been there. I just needed to find the clarity and space to locate and elucidate it all.
That is where I feel I am right now at this exact moment. I initially thought what I wrote early that morning would work its way into the series, but I realized it was instead a realization of something that has been laying dormant for most of my life. Now it has been firmly unleashed and I can say that like the connections made in therapy that rocked my very core, I can truly say that I have a deeper understanding of why I need to have this space and present my photography in a deep and personal way. And to quote from this song by the great songsmith Chris Trapper- ‘I’m happy where I am.’
Happy Where I Am-Written By Chris Trapper
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3 thoughts on “When I Write…”
It has been so long since I got a chance to sit back and read…. something, anything, that brought me joy! And it is always such a pleasure to read your blog. I have bookmarked your Lord Franklin series for later reading because I want to fully immerse in the journey it’ll take me on (right now I have a deadline approaching so not much time to spare). You always do such an excellent job involving all the senses in a post. And I think after this post it makes perfect sense, because this is how you feel, this is how you write. You are passionate about this complete experience and your writing, your photographs, the songs you pick, do full justice to that.
I am so happy for all the connections you are making and discovering so many things about yourself. It’s such a wonderful journey, and through this post, I can feel and share that joy – another complete experience 🙂
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Thank you my friend! I like how you put that, and I’m glad it made sense. What I am realizing is that sometimes we have ideas we pursue, but maybe that idea is not fully realized. It happens to songwriters all the time-they write the words, but the meaning isn’t always so clear until much later. Or they interpret it differently than when they first wrote it. I suppose that is what is happening to me in life and here on this space. The realizations and connections are real. Sometimes they knock me back, sometimes they stand on the mountaintop shouting out. But both are necessary. I hope you enjoy the series when you are able, I sure know how that goes (especially lately lol). For time wise I should not have written this post, but I’m also realizing this feeling of not just wanting to get the words out, but needing to. Thank you so very, very much for your friendship, love and support. It literally means the world to me.
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Writing, or any art for that matter, is at its most meaningful when it just flows! It’s amazing that you can let the words flow when they need to.
And I’m always here for you, just like you are for me 😀
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